naked ramble

So, I'm sitting on the Zaichenko couch again while Nadia watches Word Girl on PBS.

Mike's party was pretty awesome last night. I was fairly impressed with the guacamole dip.

So, what do you think about nude modeling? Leslie, Wes, Mary, Matt, and I discussed this last night. While obvious questions arise due to our Christian standards of morality, other factors lead me to believe that it's ok to draw nude models and, should you feel comfortable, to model nude for an art class or tasteful photography. But what is the difference between artistic nude photography and porn? I think two things separate them: one, the reason and way in which the model is photographed- whether you capture for the purpose of sexual arousal or for the purpose of appreciating the natural beauty of the human body; two, the motive in which one views such photography. Pornography is sold for the purpose of sexual arousal, but any porn director or photographer will argue that it is art. But it's not at all tasteful. In fact, many would argue that porn is rather disgusting, an overbearing addiction. But tasteful nude photography, a portion of the bare shoulder and back, promotes appreciation for the beauty of the human body.

Now I don't want anyone to think for even a second that I want nudity to be commonplace. That's not what I'm saying. But there is time and place for it. And drawing nude models in art class is very acceptable. We should be able to view the human body and not be sexually uncomfortable doing so. Many other occupations force people to be exposed to nudity. Doctors, for instance, see many naked bodies every day. And wouldn't you agree that most doctors have an amazing love for the human body? But seeing these bodies does not cause them to be uncomfortable; It's just life.

So, what I'm saying is that some people are more comfortable with seeing nudity in the background of art (not porn) and so be it. If they have no moral problem with it, then that's fine. Hold fast to your convictions because the Holy Spirit gave you those. Keep in mind that perhaps He did not give others those same convictions.

I love the human body, but I'm not entirely comfortable with nudity. However, I will be exposed to it due to my line of study. And I am not opposed to nude modeling. This concludes my controversial rambling on nudity in art.

I am extremely excited about myself! I can feel gear shifting in my heart. God desires long term revival. In order for that to happen, I have to break up my fallow ground. And I'm going to press in and allow God to ruin me with His love. I will not miss out on Him. :)

Like I said, I'm very excited.
Well. That's it.

emotional stability

In the area of emotions, I find myself floundering a bit. I'm a little discontent with my emotions lately. I feel like they have their own personality. I'd call them Elsa. Elsa is angry, confused, bitter, and controlling....She is all of those things because she is afraid. I can't keep her rational. She is in constant crazy mode. This changes by how much I work, how much money is in the bank, who I've been hanging out with, and whether God and I have had enough dates. Elsa wants to be normal; but the more she tries, the more she flounders. She is desperate for peace, truth, and balance. But she doesn't know how to receive it. Elsa is ready to disappear inside me and not reveal her face again. But for now, she is kicking and screaming.

If guys thought I was complicated and emotional before now, they have all the more proof that I'm that and more.

If we, as women, are wired to give unconditional love without much of an issue, then how come men, who are wired for respect, don't, for the most part, give unconditional respect? Is it that men are not relationally wired and women are? To be completely honest, I can find it very difficult to give unconditional love to some people. In fact, people that I should love the most often suffer from my lack of unconditional love.

I want to respect the men in my life. In general*, I have no problem respecting them. What's hard is loving them unconditionally. Am I different than most women? I don't know. I'm not sure that everything is so easily classified in love for women and respect for men. I feel that I need both. I do agree, however, that women would rather have love over respect and men have respect over love- but both need both. To overlook this would be relationally fatal.

I am a balloon of nonsense.

I am a balloon of joy.

:)

But really, I'm losing my mind. I must be. I hung up on Joel last night. I lay in my bed for hours in the dark instead of playing a game with my family. I prefer alone time over a social life. I want to fast. All these things are signs of me, Laci, losing my mind.

I need to forgive people better. I can speak it quickly, I can even pray for myself to forgive; but the actual "letting go" process is a bear.

Everyone we meet has scars, places they've been wounded. Some people have old wounds that are still open or fresh cuts from fresh pain. People have pasts and we would all do well to remember that people who act irrationally and in a harsh manner are probably responding out of woundedness. And I believe we would all have more grace for each other if we examined our own hearts and our own wounds and then recognized others- remembering that what happened to us was painful, so what happened to them must have been painful as well. I know this first hand. I can attribute every instance of insane behavior...ok, well not the times I've stayed up late drinking slurpee and watching Grey's Anatomy, but relationally I can attribute all my insane and irrational behaviors to a wound that I haven't gotten under control. It's unbelievable. And they just keep adding up. I'm not truly insane, but I am acting in ways that I sometimes don't feel able to control. And that scares me a little.

So anyway, hope always lingers in the air. I must make conscious decisions. I must always be aware that people need to be loved and respected- always treated with patience and kindness, gentle speech, and truthfulness.

It's a lot of bumps and turns. But it's totally worth it.
I just need damage control to follow me for awhile. :)


*"in general" meaning that there are times when i don't understand or know how to respect and sometimes i choose not to respect, but mostly i try hard.

shaky hands

As it is right now, I am perched on the Zaichenko couch, glancing at the kids playing by the bookshelf. Deema can't walk but he can stand; And he has been standing for about ten minutes now, shoving a yellow plastic cup into his tiny mouth. Nadia is quietly reading and Jon Foreman's "Resurrection" is blaring in the background. It's going to be a good day, I can tell. Today we have haircut appointments- Shannon is afraid of cutting their hairs by herself, so she is going to watch someone else cut them to build her confidence. What a lady. I would just snip them. If they looked terrible then I'd laugh and let them grow out.

So, I'm not sure as to how appropriate this is, but I'm going to blog it anyway. Day before last, I wore underwear, "boy shorts." I walked into the hallway and my mom was convinced that I was sporting my boyfriend's underwear. She's still convinced they are his. They aren't. Yesterday morning, wearing the same underwear, I was accused by my dad of wearing his own underwear. Why can't a girl just wear her underwear in peace? I guess there are reasons we wear clothes over our undergarments.

It really seems like I have unlimited time at the Zaichenko house. I don't get bored, but sometimes I miss driving around and talking with people over the age of four.

In other news, I'm accepted to Elim Bible Institute. Woohoo! I requested a four person dorm room. I know. My reasons for doing it are good however. I figure my main problem at school is always socializing, but if I always have a room full of people, then I will want some peace and quiet and a chance to do my homework. We'll see if that happens. :) But I am excited. The only thing that makes me a little queasy is Joel. He'll be on the other side of the country from me. I'll be studying bodies and medicine and he'll be studying the Bible- we'll be busy and I won't have a chance to hold him. You actually start to forget what people feel like when you haven't seen them for awhile. It's stupid. So, my stomach already hurts thinking about it. I can see how people in Bible times would relate deep, strong feelings or emotions to their kidneys or bowels, as opposed to their heart. Cause you get the deep GUT pangs. It's more realistic. Exhale. Moving on.

I miss being naive. I am still very naive and innocent though. I know a lot less than most people about everything. And I'm really glad that I don't understand sick sex jokes or how to do my taxes. Well, maybe not the taxes part.

God is calling the church back to seeking purity and holiness- he wants a personal revival in our hearts. Then revival will spread throughout the church. If we want a lasting revival and not a temporary fix, we need to make permanent changes in our hearts, a LIFESTYLE of purity. It's time to start trimming the fat out of our lives and get back to a life of simple devotion to Jesus Christ.

That's all for today, folks.

It's sunny and the bears are frolicking- thank God.