emotional stability

In the area of emotions, I find myself floundering a bit. I'm a little discontent with my emotions lately. I feel like they have their own personality. I'd call them Elsa. Elsa is angry, confused, bitter, and controlling....She is all of those things because she is afraid. I can't keep her rational. She is in constant crazy mode. This changes by how much I work, how much money is in the bank, who I've been hanging out with, and whether God and I have had enough dates. Elsa wants to be normal; but the more she tries, the more she flounders. She is desperate for peace, truth, and balance. But she doesn't know how to receive it. Elsa is ready to disappear inside me and not reveal her face again. But for now, she is kicking and screaming.

If guys thought I was complicated and emotional before now, they have all the more proof that I'm that and more.

If we, as women, are wired to give unconditional love without much of an issue, then how come men, who are wired for respect, don't, for the most part, give unconditional respect? Is it that men are not relationally wired and women are? To be completely honest, I can find it very difficult to give unconditional love to some people. In fact, people that I should love the most often suffer from my lack of unconditional love.

I want to respect the men in my life. In general*, I have no problem respecting them. What's hard is loving them unconditionally. Am I different than most women? I don't know. I'm not sure that everything is so easily classified in love for women and respect for men. I feel that I need both. I do agree, however, that women would rather have love over respect and men have respect over love- but both need both. To overlook this would be relationally fatal.

I am a balloon of nonsense.

I am a balloon of joy.

:)

But really, I'm losing my mind. I must be. I hung up on Joel last night. I lay in my bed for hours in the dark instead of playing a game with my family. I prefer alone time over a social life. I want to fast. All these things are signs of me, Laci, losing my mind.

I need to forgive people better. I can speak it quickly, I can even pray for myself to forgive; but the actual "letting go" process is a bear.

Everyone we meet has scars, places they've been wounded. Some people have old wounds that are still open or fresh cuts from fresh pain. People have pasts and we would all do well to remember that people who act irrationally and in a harsh manner are probably responding out of woundedness. And I believe we would all have more grace for each other if we examined our own hearts and our own wounds and then recognized others- remembering that what happened to us was painful, so what happened to them must have been painful as well. I know this first hand. I can attribute every instance of insane behavior...ok, well not the times I've stayed up late drinking slurpee and watching Grey's Anatomy, but relationally I can attribute all my insane and irrational behaviors to a wound that I haven't gotten under control. It's unbelievable. And they just keep adding up. I'm not truly insane, but I am acting in ways that I sometimes don't feel able to control. And that scares me a little.

So anyway, hope always lingers in the air. I must make conscious decisions. I must always be aware that people need to be loved and respected- always treated with patience and kindness, gentle speech, and truthfulness.

It's a lot of bumps and turns. But it's totally worth it.
I just need damage control to follow me for awhile. :)


*"in general" meaning that there are times when i don't understand or know how to respect and sometimes i choose not to respect, but mostly i try hard.